I spent the afternoon walking around Harper's Ferry again - up and along the Appalachian Trail, the C&O Canal on the Potomac, and on a river island on the Shenandoah. I kept reflecting on the past year and the upcoming one, and wondering where God will lead me this year. Work, relationships, my plans and my hopes. I had a longer post planned, but I just can't come up with the right words to say tonight. Just keep me prayer and encouragement, and I hope you have a Happy New Year!

Old Friends

I got to see an old friend of mine in town this past Monday. John Gowdy is into his 70s - he taught my Sunday School class back when I was in high school; we learned quite a bit. The last I had seen him was 4 1/2 years ago when a few of us from LeTourneau, including IssaCorrie and I, stopped by their new home near Tuscon after the Grand Canyon hike. I learned about his return to town from a friend of my mother - normally I don't get calls from home in the middle of work, but I was sure glad they had called. I met Uncle John at a restaurant in town right after work. He had no idea that I was coming, and boy were he and his wife excited to see me pop in! We spent nearly an hour and a half eating and talking, just catching up. I even gave him the Blog address before we split ways. I thank God for putting people like him in my path.

~Got my airline ticket for Jayson's wedding this week.
~I'm starting to grow a goatee again. No real reason - just for kicks.
~Running in shorts in mid-40s temperatures (like I did today) gets a little chilly. Brr.

Catching Up

Merry Christmas!

Well... this's been my longest gap between updates since last winter. It's not that I haven't had anything going on - there's been quite a bit on my mind lately. At the same time, I haven't really been that busy, either. I suppose that the greatest reason that I haven't re-posted is because I still haven't had a change of heart from my last letter back in October. I'm not nearly as frustrated as I was about my situation anymore, but nothing has changed, either.

~I'm eligible to take the Virginia Licensed Surveyor-in-Training exam once I have 3 years of on-the-job experience next April. The exam itself isn't until next October, which is kind of a pain, but they only hold the test but twice a year. At least that'll give me time to study. After all, it couldn't possibly be as tough as the Engineer-in-Training exam... right?

~My roommate is getting married this coming February. I'm in the process of finding a new place to move into sometime in late Jan./early Feb. Do I find a room with friends, or do I find my own place?

~My brother just graduated in Computer Science last week! He's back at home for the holidays before he moves closer to DC to start his job. In the meantime, it's nice to have all 3 of us kids together for awhile.

~I'm taking some time off around January 28th to fly back to Longview for a few days for Jayson Keidel's wedding. I plan on calling on a few old friends from my church, and see what's new at LeTourneau. I even hope to visit my grandparents who live out near Wichita Falls. My plans are still pretty open, aside from the wedding, of course.

I'll try to post more regularly as things come up.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier during a special wreath-laying ceremony.

Arlington Ampitheater, or "as close to the President of the United States as I'm ever going to get." The President visited the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and made a brief speech shortly after 11:00. Note the secret service on top of the archway.

Arlington National Cemetary on Veteran's Day yesterday.

I carved a pumpkin!

I am such a geek.

6-pound smoothbore Artillery demonstration at Gettysburg.

In case those of you couldn't open my email attachment, here's the picture of Sullivan and I outside Gettysburg last night.

Grr. I feel a little bad that I haven't actually written a decent post for nearly a month now. Things with me are still much the same as a month ago - spiritually stagnant, wondering what God wants me to learn, wondering what my place is. In short, I've been frustrated a lot. I feel like I have no more goals in life, and that my lot for the next few decades is to put in my 8 hours every day, then find some distraction in the evening to hold me over until I go to bed. All the trips I've taken over the past week have been great, but they've all been solo trips; fun, but lonely. That fact that I'm still pretty quiet in person hasn't done me any favors. I'd just like to know what to do with myself, what my future is...

Shenandoah Solo #3: Turk Mtn summit. I had never been to the far southern section of the park, and my thirst for hiking in the fall cannot be slaked.

Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home. Outside Charlottsville, VA.

What can I say? Admission to the park was good for a whole week, so how could I resist going back one last time before I get back to work tomorrow?

More Shenandoah-y goodness from this afternoon. Fog lifting from Compton Peak.

The view from Hawksbill Mountain - the highest point in the park (4051').

Big Meadows in Shenandoah National Park (elevation 3450'). A beautiful open plateau on top of the mountains.

Montpelier - James Madison's home in central Virginia. The building is in the middle of a 10-year long restoration to its circa-1815 look.

Gettysburg, looking west towards the Appalachians.

Mmm... Chocolate...

Harrisburg, PA skyline as seen from Island Park in the Susquehanna River.

Well, my vacation's halfway over. I've been to see my brother in Pennsylvania, visited Harrisburg (saw the 100th Anniversary parade for the state capitol building,) Hershey (you can smell the chocolate before you see the town. Three words: dark chocolate milkshake.) and Gettysburg. I've gotten lost in a garden maze with Nate and toured through a cave in Luray. I'll have pics just as soon as I can find my camera... I think I left it in the truck yesterday...

Somebody say something! Anyone? Anything?


...?


(sound of crickets chirping)


Anyhow, I've got a week of vacation during the first week of October. Should be fun.

How Come

I've half-written and deleted about 3 different posts tonight. Somebody pray for me this week - I've been really frustrated and uncertain about several different things. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining about my situation at all. My job is stable and friendly- I have a good roof over my head, a vehicle that runs smoothly, and I'm confortable financially. But I have no goal for the rest of my life, and I've been stuck in a rut spiritually. I'm 3 years out of college - now what do I do next? That old song "Place in this World" keeps buzzing around in my head. Where is God in my life, or more to the point, what is He doing (if anything?)

Ever Notice

Ever notice that Larry Boy's belt buckle looks a lot like the old "4B" symbol?

Checking in

Still alive and kicking - just bored. Again. I don't know just how many times I've said that on this blog. I have 2 weeks of vaction to take and no clue as to where to take it. Any ideas?

I have a few low-quality video-only movies that I took with my camera. I'll try to toss them up on YouTube or elsewhere and link to them on this blog when I do.

Looking south, down the mountain ridge. Hot and humid today - low 90's and barely any wind.

Big Schloss - VA/WV border. Fresh from this afternoon!

Still spinning wheels

I should've been in bed half an hour ago....

I just realized that all those posts I wrote a year ago about struggling with faith are the same struggles I still have now. Talk about a huge rut.

Tin man Syndrome

Here's another way of looking at my troubles following after God. In my mind, I have mentally acknowledged God as my Savior. I have studied the evidence, thought it through, and have accepted that only God could have created the world, ourselves, and our morality. I wholeheartedly believe in the sinfulness of man and that Christ is the only way to once again have God accept us. Trouble is... all that knowledge has never reached my heart. I am thankful, but I do not love God. Following Christ is a necessary duty for me, not a labor of love. It is so extremely difficult for me to love something that I cannot see or talk to. So while I am set in my belief, I am still easily swayed by the flesh. Where do I find the impulse to love God as much as he loves and cares for me?

My younger brothers and myself, back on Nathan's 20th birthday a month ago.

Mr. Benner watches the rest of the crew just downstream of a small ledge.

The action shot - yours truly tackling some minor rapids.

Finally online! Kayaking the Cacapon River last month - near Capon Bridge, West Virginia.

A showering, and my day would be complete.

I turned 25 today - boy, am I ever getting ancient. Today's highlights included:

~Peach cobbler at work this morning!

~Received "Encyclopedia of Christian Apologetics" by Norman Geisler as a present- a massive tome filled with all sorts of good stuff. I'll be having fun there...

~My mother and youngest brother taking me out to dinner at Red Lobster. Mmm... crab.

~The same brother somehow goading me onto the Dance Dance Revolution arcade machine at the mall, and his subsequent defeat at my hands (feet, actually.)

~Coming home to find my roommate trying to shoo a small bat out of our living room. He was soon caught after I brushed it with a shirt and covered it with the same. He was released outside, a bit dazed from the activity.

Finally got the photos from the Kayak trip. More to come tomorrow!

The heart of my unbelief

I think that this weekend has been one of the dullest, most insanely boring 2 days I've had in a very long time. No hikes; no big events. Besides spending a few hours with my mother and youngest brother this afternoon after church, I might as well have spent my entire time in solitary. However, maybe this weekend is exactly what I needed. Maybe.

I found this online essay last night: "Two of Me: The Struggle with Sin" by David Wilkerson. I spent the better part of last night reading it, and some time today digesting it. I think that I'm recognizing some of my weaknesses a little better now.

I am not fully recognizing the evil that sin is. As much as I've been told how sinful a person we all are, what it all came down to is the admission that I loved sin more. I understood that sin was wrong, temporary, and treacherous, but I didn't care. Sin is screaming at me; in my face, reminding me of how good those short moments were and tempting me to return to them. What is God's "still, small voice" in comparison to the loudness of sin? I've told myself several times: "Sin is active in my life. Sin is here and now. Where is God in my life? God is not pushing me to do good half as strongly as sin leads me to do wrong. Until God shows that he can overpower the sin in my life, I will remain in my sin."

That's been the story of the last few months, hasn't it? God wants me to put faith in him, and then he will work in my life. I want God to work in my life, and then I will put my faith in Him.

I am just now beginning to understand the difference between "belief" and "faith". Go back to the old chair analogy that you've probably heard a million times in church or elsewhere: it is insinscere faith to say that "the chair will hold me", then never put anything in the chair. If I truly believed that the chair will hold me, then I would sit in the chair without a mote of doubt. It is the same with faith: to say that I have faith in Jesus is insinscere without recognizing all those things that salvation implies:

Our origin (created by God.)
Our purpose (to love & serve our creator - to obey God's commands)
Our free will/God's love (true love implies this: free will, and the option to choose to reject that love.)
Our sin (everyone has rejected that love at some point, and betrayed their Creator. Anyone that does not serve God, must therefore serve Satan.)
Our helplessness (we are subject to God's punishment, as we are the created.)
Our way out (admitting to everything above, and accepting that God still loves us & has forgiven us of all this, as seen in the Crucifixion/Resurrection.)

If I truly believe, than I will be dedicated to renewing that Godly relationship that we were intended for. (My God...was I ever truly saved to begin with, ignoring all these facts until now?) Are there not enough facts for God out there? What am I still waiting for?

The young adult group is holding their weekly get-together downstairs, right below my computer, even as I type this. Their singing sounds so sinscere, yet I still feel so insinscere - I dare not face them.

Okay - sermon over. If you'll pardon me, I have one last handful of Cadbury Mini-Eggs held over from Easter to consume. Guess I'll have to hoard extra bags next year.

The heart of the problem

Gotta get serious for a moment:

In all honesty, I haven't been feeling too well over the past few weeks. It's not that I've been sick, but I've had a general feeling of "blah-ness" for a while. I think it's the dawning realization that I have no idea what to do next with my life. My job's okay- not great, but no complaints either. I'm certainly not bored- I have all kinds of stuff to keep me busy. I just don't feel like I'm doing anything meaningful with my life right now; I'm just working and goofing off. As if on cue, that little voice in the back of our heads tells me "Just hold on. God's got to have something planned for you soon." Problem is that I'm getting antsy and wondering what I should do in the meantime (or if I'm not doing what I should be doing and missing out somehow. Ick.)

Got another little dilemma that'd do some good to bounce off of someone else, instead of being cooped up in my head all the time. I think of my self as a smart kid, and I've probably had far more teaching about God/"spiritual education" than most people in the world. Yet it bugs me to no end that I'm still struggling spiritually. Salvation's easy - it's an academic thing. All you have to do to become saved is to look at all the evidence, understand that it's THE truth, and say "yeah, sure, I believe that Jesus did all that for me." My problem and dawning realization is that it's insanely tougher for me to take that head knowledge and apply it to my stubborn ol' will. What I KNOW I should do, and what I WANT to do really are two seperate things.
How does this "death to self" thing work anyhow? I've tried force of will to do the right thing... and failed miserably after a few days when the novelty or "fire" for God wears off. I've been so guilt-ridden and tired of fighting God that I just submit to whatever, and that works for a few days... until I feel better and slowly begin to slip again. I feel like I'm not growing spiritually at all, and I keep thinking "How is God helping me right now? Am I not broken enough? Do I need a stronger fire for You, God? You say 'I will give you rest,' but then why do I still struggle? I KNOW that I should follow God, but at the same time I very, very often don't WANT to follow God. My mind is set, but my will still fails me." How exactly does God defeat ones sinful nature? What don't I understand yet?

Blah... okay, feeling a little better now.

The picture just made my day. Ah... the old LeTourneau days. Found this picture from Spring 2003 while scrounging around the dark recesses of my computer files. My senior design team was experimenting with the biological signal processor, and I was the only (somewhat) willing guinea pig. Hence the swim cap and electrode wires. Good to know that I used to have brain activity at one point. I found some other old photos that I think I'll post later (including some from a certain "fall fest." Or would that be too mean?)

Wow, it's really been 2 weeks since my last post? I'll hopefully have some new pictures up soon, once I can get them from a friend. I went kayaking for the first time Saturday with several friends down the Cacapon River 12 miles- US 50 to WV 127. (Topozone map of the stretch) I am proud to say that I only tipped over once- stupid rock. The scenery through the hills was great - plenty of mountains and rock spires to look at when I wasn't busy watching the water ahead. We didn't run through anything worse than Class 2 rapids and a few small ledges (those were fun!) Sure, my arms were wicked sore and I was redder than a cooked lobster by the end, but I sure had fun doing it!

Just got a call....

"It's Mom. Dad just went on Top Thrill Dragster..."
My parents are at Cedar Point. I am in Virginia. Grr.

Settlers of Catan?

Sullivan, Keidel, and I have dredged up the idea of getting a group together to play Settlers of Catan Online sometime in the next month. The subscription to play is $20/year, or $5/month. We wouldn't even need to type - I already use a free voice chat program so we could catch up or talk smack. Any takers?

Question of the Day

After spending the past several months studying apologetics, I've gotten myself a little depressed over this issue: How can there be so much evidence for God out there, yet so little in my own personal experience? I've got plenty of "head knowledge," that is, I know the Bible, I could tell you the basic arguments for God, and I certainly believe them myself. Yet, when I look for evidence for God in my own life, I see nothing that I can differentiate between God's doing and mere circumstance. God is real, but how do I go from seeing God as being "out there" to seeing God working in my life?

I believe, but I find it so hard to act on what I believe....

South Fork, Shenandoah River. I discovered that I couldn't catch a fish if my life depended on it yesterday, which is wierd considering that my grandfather is great at it. Oh well - I'll learn eventually.

Wildcat Ledge, Shenandoah River State Park. Went on a campout last weekend with a few friends. It's the reverse view from this old picture.

Daniel acting silly. He says that he's wearing that tricorner hat around campus now.

Close-up below the monument's arch.

Forgot about these! My brothers and I stopped by Valley Forge on the way back home from Six Flags.

Road Trip! Woo!

Nate, you can't drive the car. Dan, you are NOT Batman.

My brothers, waiting in line for the "Batman & Robin" rollercoaster at Six Flags Great Adventure. That's right, folks- nobody else was waiting for the ride at all. How much sweeter can you get?

I'm so evil, I vacation in New Jersey. Mwahaha!

Just some shifty-eyed gent in a spiffy hat...

You know you're watching a southern town's parade when...

My old high school's marching band!

I found a great spot to take pictures of the parade - I went to the top of the downtown parking garage. This is just one section of the parade route - this is the "big thing" every year in my town.

Apple Blossom Festival in my town - Winchester, VA.
Ah, WHGA, my company office. Engineering, Surveying, and... Frozen Bananas? ...ookay...

Cycling Lessons Learned

1) I'll need to ride a lot more to adjust to life in the cycle saddle before I try a long-distance ride, lest I get blisters on my behind.

2) Practice riding uphill more.

3) Do NOT ride too closely to a storm grate - skinny tires have a tendency to drop between the cracks and ruin your ride. (Luckily, only my rear tire fell in for a split-second and bounced right back out, so all I have is a flat tire. Maybe. I'll take the bike into the shop tomorrow afternoon for a free checkup.)

4) Don't stab yourself in the back of the leg with the front gears.

5) Riding is a lot more fun outside the city, on backroads without traffic.

6) Um... girls don't really dig the cycle shorts?

Stupid shin splints.

..At least I can still ride my bike. Just walking the 15 minutes to work this morning was a pain. I'll give it a few days and get some more practice this weekend. My youngest bro just got accepted into the radiology program at the regional hospital though- woohoo! This'll be his college equivalent- since he's had to wait for 2 older brothers to finish college ahead of him, and he didn't really know what to go into anyhow, I'd say that he just got a really good deal. I'll have to take a trip with him before he starts the program in mid-June. I've had an itch for some rollercoasters...

Other than that, I don't have much to report. Hmph. Boring week. I'm gonna go polish off that ice cream downstairs. With some apple chunks... yeah, that sounds good.

I was bored and hungry

"Random Ramen" - The ultimate in bachelor cuisine!

Ingredients:
1 package of Ramen (any flavor)
1 slice of onion
1 thick slice of tomato
1 piece of brocoli (sp?)
1/3 clove of garlic, diced
1 small slice of ham
...And/or whatever other vegetables and meat you may have around.

1 piece sourdough bread
butter

Pretezls (to snack on while cooking.)

Preperation: Boil ramen as usual. While waiting for the noodle to soften, chop up all vegetables and meat. When the ramen begins to boil, add all ingredients to the pot and let simmer for a few minutes. Pour into a large bowl and add the attached spice packet to flavor. A slice of buttered sourdough bread will work on the side to soak up the broth. Serves 1 hungry post-college bachelor.

Random Ramen! 

Low-fuel trip idea

Ooh, I just found a cool idea for a week-long trip: Bike the C&O canal up from Washington DC to Cumberland, Maryland. It's a 185-mile trek right along the Potomac River. I could have one of my brothers drop me and my bike off in downtown DC- rattle off 35-40 miles a day - and get a pickup in Cumberland after 5 days. I'll have to plan out details (where to stop overnight and carry-on gear for my old mountain bike,) but I already have all the camping gear I'd need. Sounds a lot neater than my typical "run yet another mountain ridge" weekend hike. I probably couldn't find the spare time to do it until this fall, but that'd give me plenty of time to train up and prepare. I'll have to look into it a little more this weekend.

What gives?

We were going over proofs for resurrection this morning in my class, and I haven't been able to shake this all day: God's alive, but why do I feel like I'm still living a meaningless life? I have no "fire" for God - always having to fight myself to study, lacking motivation both at work and spiritually.
~If God's alive, where is He in my life?

Mmm... Novicane

Check it out - a regular post!
Well, I took the day off on account of a dentist appointment this morning. I needed 2 fillings, and there are several more to go - this is what I get for not having any dental work done since before college. I blame Saga food for rotting out my mouth. The whole "needle in my gums" deal wasn't as bad as I remembered/feared it would be, and once that was over with, the rest of the visit was easy. My younger brother laughed at me afterwards whenever I tried to talk, still suffering from the numbness in the right side of my face. So I "borrowed" his Gamecube for a few days - that'll show him. Hehe.

I've been running again for the past month, and I'm almost back to form from last fall. I've been having a harder time this spring with sticking with it than I did last fall, however.

In nerd news, Doctor Who starts up a new season this weekend! I'll be firing up the ol' BitTorrent to download the new episodes, fresh off of BBC-1. Been keeping up with old 4B pals (Sullivan, Keidel, and Robbins) in World of Warcraft. Dwarven Priests rule.

...And softball practice starts this coming Wednesday. I've gotta find my glove.

...Also, any ideas on where to go for a week-long vacation this summer? I've got possibilities from thru-hiking Shenandoah Nat'l Park, to Theme Park hopping with my brother, to a formless road trip to who-knows-where.

My boot is about all the proof you get this week. You may recall the hills in the background from another picture taken a few weeks ago. 

This one was taken looking north from a rocky outcropping across Paddy Gap. I had to bushwack my way up to this point. One of my coworkers told me that a giant sat on top of the mountain, leaving the distinct rear-end impression. 

"The Halfmoon" - a line of exposed rock streching overtop the entrance to Paddy Cove. I tried going fishing in the small stream below - no luck, I"m afraid. 

The Reverse Angle: Paddy Cove, looking west. The last few pictures I took were from the summit of that powerline clearing. 

It's me! Proof of my hiking skills.