Tiger @ National Zoo, DC 

Dub! DUB! (I had to get that out of my system.) 

WW2 Texan @ Martinsburg Airshow 

Cooler Days

20 degree drop this week... nice. Leaves changing, temperatures just right, Serenity comes out tomorrow... October should be fun. I'm starting to plan another quick hike next weekend, and the Cedar Creek Reenactment is the Saturday after that.

In other, more serious, news, I'm still struggling like crazy in my Bible studies lately. My focus hasn't been great this week, and I'm still treating my studies like a bad college course instead of having the seriousness I need to focus and think. It's a sad state I'm in- I know what I should do, yet I don't do it. I've got too many bad excuses when it comes up- "Is God really there, helping me to study, or just watching from the sidelines?" "Why does God make us struggle with study instead of just dropping a miracle and suddenly our whole outlook's changed?" What comes first, faith or fact? I hope God does something crazy in my life soon to knock me on my butt and get me going in the right direction- heaven knows my efforts have come to nothing.

Upcoming pictures

Bleh- after working in the field last Saturday, and a long, stressful week in the office, I'm ready for the blessed weekend! Hopefully, I'll be heading to an air show in Martinsburg on Sat., then to the National Zoo Sunday. Haven't learned too much this week, unfortunately. Well, I'm gonna take a bike ride before it gets dark.

(grumble...) 90 degrees on the first day of fall? Bleh.

My brain hurts

I'll try to say these things without confusing anyone too much. Where does faith in God meet spiritual fact?
Here's my dilemma. I, like 98% of men (and the other 2% are liers) struggle with lust.
(Side note: this is... disturbing to write about this on the blog, knowing that the only person that visits and leaves comments on my site is a lady. My blog, for me, has become a place where I can straighten out my tangled, scatter-brained thoughts into something simple, understandable, and focused. It helps me to think more clearly when I write things down, so please don't take this as a personal message, miss. It's unfortunate that we Christian men don't speak about this all-pervading problem more frankly with each other- it's the pink elephant in the corner. Everyone has it, no one talks about it, and I'm tired of protecting my pride. Anyhow, back to the question.)
Over the past few weeks, I've begun to meet with a Christian brother daily during lunch, and I've been candid about my struggles with sin. It has helped out immensely the past 2 weeks- but in the past few days, temptation has made a comeback in a HUGE way. I've kept it at bay for now, but my struggle and my doubts have come to head, and I need an answer. Thus far, my resistance to temptation has been mostly due to being ashamed to have to admit backsliding to my Godly friend. That's fine, but I know the true defense should be my faith in God (i.e. the Shield of Faith.) I know from personal experience that personal resistance isn't enough- sin is too powerful, and sooner or later I fail. All God requires from me is faith- simply to look at Him, trust Him, and keep walking through my life and my struggles with this trust constantly in mind.
Yet, I am very often afraid to take jumps of faith, because I cannot see how God will help in my situation. And too often, the help has come in timely distractions (such as this blog,) and not in spiritual truths that will help me to more adequately resist next time. Put it this way:

-God wants me to simply have faith, and he will reveal truth to me in His timing.
-I want to know spiritual truth first, and I will hang my faith upon those facts.

I know which one is correct, yet I find it extremely tough to let go and live life on faith.

Lord, help my unbelief.

Quick question

Here's a contradiction that's been plaguing me since lunch today. God wants my to have faith, and He will begin revealing Himself to me in time. I want God to answer my questions first, and then I will begin to have faith. My fear is that in having faith, but not all the answers, I won't be able to explain myself to non-Christians, leaving me open to doubt and sin (not that I'm any better where I am in spiritual growth right now.) I'll be one of those "brainless religious freaks", unable to answer their questions and be a witness- or even worse, driving them away from God by reinforcing their view of futile religion.

"What will people think if they label me a Jesus Freak? What will people do when they find out it's true?"

"...There ain't no disguising the truth..." Dc Talk makes it sound so easy, like they have such a solid grasp on the truth. I have hell of it every time I try to study the Bible- old English, words that I only have the faintest grasp as to definition, always using metaphors that leave me confused, etc. Combine with worldly worries, and I wind up spinning my wheels.

Lord, help me to not fear the consequences of "blind" faith. Remind me of Who's in control. And please, PLEASE, help me stay focused on looking for the truths in the Bible, while allowing You to lead and show me. Lord, help my unbelief.

Crazy Day

A coolant hose broke in my car sometime over the weekend. I pulled into the church parking lot Sunday morning and noticed steam just beginning to eek out from under the hood. I went home with family Sunday instead- which wasn't too bad of a deal, actually. Free food, a little football, and beating my brother at Smash Bros. Melee (Pikachu rules!) My cousin came to take a look at my car that night, right after the evening young adult service. This afternoon after work, he came to fix the broken hose and fill the radiator, and I biked the half-hour over to the church to help him out and pickup/pay. My bike's in the shop now, after the rear shifter broke while I was riding (it's only 9 years old!) It was a... pleasantly busy day.

Getting my hopes up, #2

I finally worked up the boldness to tell my work-friend about all the stuff I put down in the previous post. Although I can't say I've learned much this week, I am certainly feeling better and more optimistic about finding some answers.
Lots going on today. We're having a yard sale tonday, and I just got back from helping spread mulch at the local community center. I may yet go biking, setup chairs at church for tomorrow, and go home to do laundry. Phew!

It's been a While

~ I've come to face some truths this week, in between work, Orleans-watching, and goofing off. I've been mistakenly looking for a deeper truth, some verse or explanation that would explain away my doubts and fears and allow me to live a Christian life without constantly second-guessing. I wanted to nail down God academically- explain away every doubt or question that would come my way and leave no trace of doubt behind. My fear was that if I didn't do this, people would accuse me of being a sheep- just doing what I'm told, ignoring evidence to the contrary just so I can live in my happy little "Christian" dream world. This accusation has eaten at me so much that even while I worry about it, it gave me leeway to sin in the meantime.
~ I've been double-faced. Even while I go to Bible study, church, prayer meeting, etc., my personal relationship with Christ is no deeper than the surface. Like the sower parable, I'm choking under the weeds- the cares of the world I haven't been willing to leave behind.
~ God has said we cannot follow Him on our own, and I certainly believe that. Will this gnawing doubt and fear of sacrifice and rejection always be here in me? Will I be one of those folks that makes it into heaven by the skin of my teeth? Will my relationship with God always be so shallow? I need to find someone to come alongside me and help, but I'm afraid of opening up to anyone. This is my prayer tonight.
~ In other news, I fixed up my bike this week after gas rose above $3 a gallon. I'll be riding the dozen miles or so home tomorrow morning with laundry and whatnot.