The Realization

Hold onto your hat, folks - this one's a doozy.

I think that I finally realized something very important tonight. I started a new study course in the church a few weeks ago. Since we last met last Thursday, I have been:

1) Studying the course folder,
2) Completing a separate daily online Bible course,
3) Reading through a book on Christian Theology (One of the course leaders suggested it to me 2 weeks ago,)
4) E-mailing one of the men in my group daily for prayer and discussion,
5) Talking with Mr. Newlin as an additional prayer partner,
6) Sunday morning Church,
7) Wednesday night Young Adult meeting,
and 8) The Thursday night meetings, of course.

The reason: Last Thursday, I held a hope that all of this would lead to a change in my heart. That if I truly began to live the life of a Christian, that my heart would eventually follow suit. The sad truth however: I have done all of this in the past week in my own power.

Wanting salvation and eternal life from Jesus Christ was the easy part. Wanting a changed life is much harder. All this week, underneath all the things I have been putting myself through, I still often desire some of my old ways. I know that I CAN be free from old troubles, but in my heart I admit, I do not always WANT it.

This is my explanation. Just as I cannot earn salvation by my deeds, I understand now that I also cannot earn holiness by my deeds. Just as I need Christ to provide me salvation by His power alone, so I prayed tonight for Him to change my heart by His power alone. I do not know how God is going to bring this about, and frankly, it scares me terribly. But I know that it has to be Him, and not I. If God can use this to bring about change in me, so much the better. And Lord, I hope that it is soon.