The heart of my unbelief

I think that this weekend has been one of the dullest, most insanely boring 2 days I've had in a very long time. No hikes; no big events. Besides spending a few hours with my mother and youngest brother this afternoon after church, I might as well have spent my entire time in solitary. However, maybe this weekend is exactly what I needed. Maybe.

I found this online essay last night: "Two of Me: The Struggle with Sin" by David Wilkerson. I spent the better part of last night reading it, and some time today digesting it. I think that I'm recognizing some of my weaknesses a little better now.

I am not fully recognizing the evil that sin is. As much as I've been told how sinful a person we all are, what it all came down to is the admission that I loved sin more. I understood that sin was wrong, temporary, and treacherous, but I didn't care. Sin is screaming at me; in my face, reminding me of how good those short moments were and tempting me to return to them. What is God's "still, small voice" in comparison to the loudness of sin? I've told myself several times: "Sin is active in my life. Sin is here and now. Where is God in my life? God is not pushing me to do good half as strongly as sin leads me to do wrong. Until God shows that he can overpower the sin in my life, I will remain in my sin."

That's been the story of the last few months, hasn't it? God wants me to put faith in him, and then he will work in my life. I want God to work in my life, and then I will put my faith in Him.

I am just now beginning to understand the difference between "belief" and "faith". Go back to the old chair analogy that you've probably heard a million times in church or elsewhere: it is insinscere faith to say that "the chair will hold me", then never put anything in the chair. If I truly believed that the chair will hold me, then I would sit in the chair without a mote of doubt. It is the same with faith: to say that I have faith in Jesus is insinscere without recognizing all those things that salvation implies:

Our origin (created by God.)
Our purpose (to love & serve our creator - to obey God's commands)
Our free will/God's love (true love implies this: free will, and the option to choose to reject that love.)
Our sin (everyone has rejected that love at some point, and betrayed their Creator. Anyone that does not serve God, must therefore serve Satan.)
Our helplessness (we are subject to God's punishment, as we are the created.)
Our way out (admitting to everything above, and accepting that God still loves us & has forgiven us of all this, as seen in the Crucifixion/Resurrection.)

If I truly believe, than I will be dedicated to renewing that Godly relationship that we were intended for. (My God...was I ever truly saved to begin with, ignoring all these facts until now?) Are there not enough facts for God out there? What am I still waiting for?

The young adult group is holding their weekly get-together downstairs, right below my computer, even as I type this. Their singing sounds so sinscere, yet I still feel so insinscere - I dare not face them.

Okay - sermon over. If you'll pardon me, I have one last handful of Cadbury Mini-Eggs held over from Easter to consume. Guess I'll have to hoard extra bags next year.

The heart of the problem

Gotta get serious for a moment:

In all honesty, I haven't been feeling too well over the past few weeks. It's not that I've been sick, but I've had a general feeling of "blah-ness" for a while. I think it's the dawning realization that I have no idea what to do next with my life. My job's okay- not great, but no complaints either. I'm certainly not bored- I have all kinds of stuff to keep me busy. I just don't feel like I'm doing anything meaningful with my life right now; I'm just working and goofing off. As if on cue, that little voice in the back of our heads tells me "Just hold on. God's got to have something planned for you soon." Problem is that I'm getting antsy and wondering what I should do in the meantime (or if I'm not doing what I should be doing and missing out somehow. Ick.)

Got another little dilemma that'd do some good to bounce off of someone else, instead of being cooped up in my head all the time. I think of my self as a smart kid, and I've probably had far more teaching about God/"spiritual education" than most people in the world. Yet it bugs me to no end that I'm still struggling spiritually. Salvation's easy - it's an academic thing. All you have to do to become saved is to look at all the evidence, understand that it's THE truth, and say "yeah, sure, I believe that Jesus did all that for me." My problem and dawning realization is that it's insanely tougher for me to take that head knowledge and apply it to my stubborn ol' will. What I KNOW I should do, and what I WANT to do really are two seperate things.
How does this "death to self" thing work anyhow? I've tried force of will to do the right thing... and failed miserably after a few days when the novelty or "fire" for God wears off. I've been so guilt-ridden and tired of fighting God that I just submit to whatever, and that works for a few days... until I feel better and slowly begin to slip again. I feel like I'm not growing spiritually at all, and I keep thinking "How is God helping me right now? Am I not broken enough? Do I need a stronger fire for You, God? You say 'I will give you rest,' but then why do I still struggle? I KNOW that I should follow God, but at the same time I very, very often don't WANT to follow God. My mind is set, but my will still fails me." How exactly does God defeat ones sinful nature? What don't I understand yet?

Blah... okay, feeling a little better now.

The picture just made my day. Ah... the old LeTourneau days. Found this picture from Spring 2003 while scrounging around the dark recesses of my computer files. My senior design team was experimenting with the biological signal processor, and I was the only (somewhat) willing guinea pig. Hence the swim cap and electrode wires. Good to know that I used to have brain activity at one point. I found some other old photos that I think I'll post later (including some from a certain "fall fest." Or would that be too mean?)

Wow, it's really been 2 weeks since my last post? I'll hopefully have some new pictures up soon, once I can get them from a friend. I went kayaking for the first time Saturday with several friends down the Cacapon River 12 miles- US 50 to WV 127. (Topozone map of the stretch) I am proud to say that I only tipped over once- stupid rock. The scenery through the hills was great - plenty of mountains and rock spires to look at when I wasn't busy watching the water ahead. We didn't run through anything worse than Class 2 rapids and a few small ledges (those were fun!) Sure, my arms were wicked sore and I was redder than a cooked lobster by the end, but I sure had fun doing it!