I think that this weekend has been one of the dullest, most insanely boring 2 days I've had in a very long time. No hikes; no big events. Besides spending a few hours with my mother and youngest brother this afternoon after church, I might as well have spent my entire time in solitary. However, maybe this weekend is exactly what I needed. Maybe.
I found this online essay last night: "Two of Me: The Struggle with Sin" by David Wilkerson. I spent the better part of last night reading it, and some time today digesting it. I think that I'm recognizing some of my weaknesses a little better now.
I am not fully recognizing the evil that sin is. As much as I've been told how sinful a person we all are, what it all came down to is the admission that I loved sin more. I understood that sin was wrong, temporary, and treacherous, but I didn't care. Sin is screaming at me; in my face, reminding me of how good those short moments were and tempting me to return to them. What is God's "still, small voice" in comparison to the loudness of sin? I've told myself several times: "Sin is active in my life. Sin is here and now. Where is God in my life? God is not pushing me to do good half as strongly as sin leads me to do wrong. Until God shows that he can overpower the sin in my life, I will remain in my sin."
That's been the story of the last few months, hasn't it? God wants me to put faith in him, and then he will work in my life. I want God to work in my life, and then I will put my faith in Him.
I am just now beginning to understand the difference between "belief" and "faith". Go back to the old chair analogy that you've probably heard a million times in church or elsewhere: it is insinscere faith to say that "the chair will hold me", then never put anything in the chair. If I truly believed that the chair will hold me, then I would sit in the chair without a mote of doubt. It is the same with faith: to say that I have faith in Jesus is insinscere without recognizing all those things that salvation implies:
Our origin (created by God.)
Our purpose (to love & serve our creator - to obey God's commands)
Our free will/God's love (true love implies this: free will, and the option to choose to reject that love.)
Our sin (everyone has rejected that love at some point, and betrayed their Creator. Anyone that does not serve God, must therefore serve Satan.)
Our helplessness (we are subject to God's punishment, as we are the created.)
Our way out (admitting to everything above, and accepting that God still loves us & has forgiven us of all this, as seen in the Crucifixion/Resurrection.)
If I truly believe, than I will be dedicated to renewing that Godly relationship that we were intended for. (My God...was I ever truly saved to begin with, ignoring all these facts until now?) Are there not enough facts for God out there? What am I still waiting for?
The young adult group is holding their weekly get-together downstairs, right below my computer, even as I type this. Their singing sounds so sinscere, yet I still feel so insinscere - I dare not face them.
Okay - sermon over. If you'll pardon me, I have one last handful of Cadbury Mini-Eggs held over from Easter to consume. Guess I'll have to hoard extra bags next year.
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1 comment:
sometimes it's so hard to figure all that stuff out. But the Bible says seek Him - and believe that He will be found - and He WILL do the rest - He'll purge your sin, He will give you faith...but it's all about Him and not about things looking or feeling like we think they should.
keep searching Randy!
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