~ I've come to face some truths this week, in between work, Orleans-watching, and goofing off. I've been mistakenly looking for a deeper truth, some verse or explanation that would explain away my doubts and fears and allow me to live a Christian life without constantly second-guessing. I wanted to nail down God academically- explain away every doubt or question that would come my way and leave no trace of doubt behind. My fear was that if I didn't do this, people would accuse me of being a sheep- just doing what I'm told, ignoring evidence to the contrary just so I can live in my happy little "Christian" dream world. This accusation has eaten at me so much that even while I worry about it, it gave me leeway to sin in the meantime.
~ I've been double-faced. Even while I go to Bible study, church, prayer meeting, etc., my personal relationship with Christ is no deeper than the surface. Like the sower parable, I'm choking under the weeds- the cares of the world I haven't been willing to leave behind.
~ God has said we cannot follow Him on our own, and I certainly believe that. Will this gnawing doubt and fear of sacrifice and rejection always be here in me? Will I be one of those folks that makes it into heaven by the skin of my teeth? Will my relationship with God always be so shallow? I need to find someone to come alongside me and help, but I'm afraid of opening up to anyone. This is my prayer tonight.
~ In other news, I fixed up my bike this week after gas rose above $3 a gallon. I'll be riding the dozen miles or so home tomorrow morning with laundry and whatnot.
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